What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:14
And i lived it daily.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Put me off passion for life!!
Are you afraid of being alone?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why are American university students fine with sharing a room?
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
How do flat Earthers explain the existence of other spherical planets?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What is your first experience having sex with older men?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
My family never makes their pension either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was very sick at this time too.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But, we were locked up after school.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.